Disconnection
P.S I don't care about Christmas so this won't be a Christmas themed blog now leave me alone.
Everyone loves things that are aesthetically pleasing and look like visual saccharine. I follow the crowd as I personally do. My personal favorite kind of aesthetics are the bright and colorful visuals with childen's media as the main thing. I like to dig up my old toys and take pictures and add saturated filters to it and pretend it's "kidcore". I pretend to say my favorite color is pink so I can stare at flashing blingee gifs of anime characters and eat a whole bag of swedish fish to go with it. I like to learn about common 2000s internet catchphrases, memorabilia and memes so I can pretend to be the most knowledgeable person about that time even though I'm not even old enough to ever possibly experience the 2000s "interwebz" I say as an attempt to sound cool even though I just actually sound old as firetruck.
Now with all of the words I've said thus far above, was just a diluted truth. I will now give you a blank line break to ponder about it as an order of courtesy.
In the purest form of my truth I feel like aesthetics are unhealthy for me. Personally for me, this is not follow the leader, you don't have to relate to everything I say. In the barest form aesthetics are just labels that confine you into boxes. I call it 'visual saccharine' is because that sweet cavity-inducing moment of high is meant to be the visuals distracting you and the bitter aftertaste is supposed to be the knowledge of it being a simple label.
In a way that makes me sound like I'm making this a 'quirk' or a 'personality trait' aesthetics tend to describe how I feel and they alter the way I act or think. I associate more cute and child-like aesthetics with how I feel on my better days of smiling more and not being ashamed of my interests and nostalgia. I associate darker aesthetics with my worse days of hating everyone else and having a sailor mouth and generally feeling like a shippy person that wished the entire world population to dissapear.
As a young and impressionable 11 year old that momentarily grew up into a teenager on early 2020s internet I've burned through every aesthetic out there... okay maybe only a few of them after I sat and thought about it, but my point still stands. This is just a classic case of "Hormonal teen wants to fit in with the others and have a sense of belonging" and you've likely already heard the story hundreds of times. Life goes on in the end, but shush I'm not done talking yet because I need to ramble on the damage aesthetics did to my very young pysche back in ye olde days of 2020-something.
When I was obsessed with aesthetics my style was always never 'concrete', I would cycle and change a lot and you could see it in the shifting colors of the images I would mass-download from pinterest like a color wheel that looks like candy. Whenever I was in a phase of a certain aesthetic I'd change parts of myself just to fit into the narrow box it was: I'd pretend to care about others and spread bitter positivity just so I can be an adorable soft hyperfeminine girl that loves pink and animals. On the other side of the spectrum I pretended to be a cool alternative person with enough spike bracelets to cut off blood circulation. Trust me when I say I even had a scene kid phase when I was thirteen.
With my usage of the "pretend" as if I was giving it out like candy, you are welcomed, maybe even encouraged to call me a poser after everything I've did to decieve others about my lifestyle. I was a fat liar for years, maybe this is why I was so confused with my identity 'tis because I was not only a liar to others, I was also a liar to myself; normal people tend to not think about you 24/7 so I'll be safely saying that myself was and currently is the meanest person to me.
It's because of me fixating so much on having a coherent theme to go with my social media accounts* I've often doubted about my favorite color, animal, genre because I was unsure if I liked liked it geniunely or if I was just trying to make my interests align with my chosen aesthetic at that exact moment.
*I never actually changed myself in the real world neither my fashion, my obsession with aesthetics is because I first got social media at the fresh age of 10 years old (save the "bad parenting" comments for never, the damage has already been done years ago) and it was all exclusively online because I could hide behind my various profile pictures and screen names.
Believe me at one point in my lifespan I forced myself to watch anime because I got interested in cutecore because one of cutecore's main subject matter is anime, and I was baffled to realize... I don't even like anime! (Side note I personally firetrucking hate the name 'cutecore') It was a moment where I had to do some hard thinking on my actual identity, and after years of being in these confined narrow boxes where my movement and thoughts were limited... "I gotta stop trying to have a style, man." I surrendered, finally, I saw air holes get poked out of my box and I started to see the outer world for the first time in 5+ years.
It was so grand, I had to make a line break. It was so grand, it was right infront of me the whole time and for what. I was a jailed being with the key right infront of me but I'd rather reach for the loaf of likely already stale and germy floor bread with a twig I conveniently found outside before getting locked up.
I'm now on an "aesthetic ban" in which I cannot theme anything or specifically code my Spacehey profile to look like any sort of established aesthetic, I'm also banned from searching up names of aesthetics in fear I might mass-download again, or inventing new aesthetic names. You may think this is cruel and I'm stri... scrubbing myself of all individuality, personality and whatever other -lities I'm unaware of that you throw at me. You assume that I must be my own sad beige mom where I spray paint all of my belongings and toys with beige spray paint and I'm not allowed to have any color or any fun in my life.
The truth is I've learnt a lot about myself once I remove the filter of my attempts of fitting in so badly. My favorite color is indeed not purple, pink or anything that's "eye catching", I actually like shades of brown and beige apparently. I'm not making my devices suffer by mass downloading visually similar images; I haven't downloaded a single image in weeks now, probably due to the fact I make this entire thing plain text so I'm wasting absolutely no storage on graphics.
Now I'm not trying to inspire others to do this, it's something that specifically worked for me and I'm not intentionally creating a game of follow the leader. But doing this aesthetic ban thing makes you sit back and ponder on what you really like and what you only liked just to appease the aesthetic's unspoken guidelines. It clears my head to finally not focus on how my account looks like, I can just focus on writing out content like this. And you're going to ALWAYS listen because my bare visuals don't allow you to ignore what I want to say.
Anyways this blog is way too long even for my standards, the youngsters call it "yapping"! I'm gonna take a shower now, see you.