(TW) Morbid thoughts.
Warning
Talks about mental health and intrusive thoughts. This blog is a heavy vent in general.
I've read the warning above and I'm willing to read this.
('Too old' tag applied because I wrote this during a very specific mood, don't talk to me about this, I'm fine now.)
A Bearblog only blog because I feel uncomfortable posting it on my Spacehey.
"NSFL" is used liberally here but NSFW makes me think of porn instead of gore so I think NSFL fits more.
I've managed to narrow this thing I experience down to 'intrusive thoughts' and it makes me a little upset because intrusive thoughts are barely taken seriously by the masses. It's usually just shit like "oh I dyed my hair teehee" or "oh what if I drop kick this baby teehee I'm so edgy maybe I'll do arson next XD" like I give out a middle finger to people that flanderize and water down intrusive thoughts like this.
My intrusive thoughts are MUCH, MUCH worse than this and it's definitely way more than just a quick flick of a thought that absolutely anyone can just feel and then brush it off later, it's more of a very drawn out daydream. I always wondered why that 91th point in my Spacehey's interest table was so concerning. (The 91th point is "91. Fantasizing about my death and how other people will find my corpse." by the way)
I've always had dragged on thoughts of "worsening" and how there will be a very specific chain of events that will lead me to being the worst version of myself or else just dead with nobody to miss me. I'm pulling at my teeth just to not break down and begin rapidly rambling about my fantasies, I'll do that in a toggle at the end nevermind I forgot about what I was going to write sorry.
I've listened to a song called "Destroy me" by mr kitty (obligatory note that I don't support mr kitty but I really like this song) and I feel clocked by reading the lyrics for the first time, this song literally describes me. I know that's extremely concerning to say but it's the truth. Everything is like a very muddled tie dye when it comes to this, I'm only just a vulnerable teenager so I can't get too obsessed with labels...
My health isn't perfect especially in the mental department, and I might be a bit self-destructive. By 'self-destructive' I don't mean that I'm a cutter or I do drugs and smoke tobacco; I'm like a perfect little angel when it comes to that. I mean 'self-destructive' as in emotionally and mental anguish. I remind myself of every single bad thing I've done. I make myself cry with my daydreams. I insult myself and I usually always bully and rant about myself whenever I treat myself like an external person. I read things I know are gonna make me suffer, I'm too pussy for actual visuals so I don't look at gore.
As long as I make sure I don't have any actual scars, and I'm reasonably polite to other people in my life and I make sure to externally smile and laugh enough, then it seems like there is nothing wrong with me. But this is who I really am internally.
Writing this out is just me making and displaying a very huge sign in a public place that says "I'M A MENTALLY ILL PERSON NOBODY SHOULD TAKE SERIOUSLY!!!!" because this blog is a red blaring alarm to how I probably should see a shrink and be more normal.
The thing is... I'm scared of therapists, and I don't want to take mood altering meds or get sent to a mental hospital. I can bully myself all I want but I cower and cover my face like a little bunny when other people start dehumanizing me. I don't want to talk to my mom about this, it'd scared her shitless and our relationship is likely going to regress and she won't talk to me like I'm her blood-related friend anymore. Just someone that inherited her dad's mental illnesses.
My mental health be damned, yolo, now clap your hands crowd... I'm just going to burst into tears while hey duggee autoplays on full blast volume then.