Coded in spaghetti with faulty brain wires
If my brain was a computer it'd be one that somehow was built into this world pre-infected with malware: all the coding would be in spaghetti code, and I don't have any forks with me; my brain wires have frozen fingertips, cold noses and shivering voices without their jackets, and they tend to frazzle and short circuit frequently especially because they huddle for warmth most of the time. It's my rough life whenever I go out as the others comment on how they can see my hair standing up on it's own by the electricity as tiny sparks shoot out from my head.
When I wear my baggiest of clothes and use my serious makeup, I am cosplaying as a trojan. I trick you with the brown tones around us that magically shift our expressions to a stone; I trick you with my word dense pie that has the perfume of like I know what I'm talking about, but each slice's interior has that faint hint of smelling bitterly burnt with dishonesty that gets stronger every second; unfortunately you tend to notice it when you're already semi-invested, there's a layer of betrayal added.
Why do I call myself a trojan? that's rude of you to call yourself that. I call myself that because I'm a little jumpy with your senses; I'm not jumpy as in I'm easily scared, what I mean is that I'm quite literally jumpy. I will suddenly feel like running around; even if you already said hi I will wave to you mid-conversation; I will spontaneously vocalize and make everything into a song; I can suddenly start laughing for no reason other than I remembered a very specific memory that I doubt anyone but me cares about; I stim in a very un-UN-noticable way; despite that it feels pathetic for me to pretend to sound like I know anything, because my brain has formed walls on the insides, leaving little room for mental horse power.
I have a lot of physical energy but little mental energy: I always loved dancing and running around as a kid but I've always hated how much I had to focus mentally in order to socialize or do the simplest math questions in my head *taps my head which makes a glass tapping noise*. So instead of possibly trying to fix that, I waste my energy on acting like a hyperactive toddler even though it isn't age appropriate for me anymore. The mere thought of rubbing my braincells and tremblingly cold exposed brain wires togethers electrocutes me instead to the surprise of no one; leaving myself frustrated and my whole body charred and smoky.
Now I will emphasize my line: "I waste my energy on acting like a hyperactive toddler" and focus on that last word. Unless if this is your absolute very first blog that you've read from me, it's no surprise I've admitted being childish before. I mean childish, if you gave me money I would spend it on toys instead of something objectively useful. (not that kind of toy btw you sick fuck) A select few of my interests I've had as a kid now have come back at full force to haunt me, and I probably could just excuse this with nostalgia and call it a day: but it's less of a "I miss the old days so fucking much I want to go back so badly." and more of a "I'm just as invested in this as I was 8 years old." with a slight smile.
I sometimes don't even mean this in a negative way about myself, I'd too hate to suddenly "grow up" and just become a stoic malleable adult that only cares about working, taxes and having kids. I go so far to even appreciate that I'm still laughing to myself after whatever kind of fiasco that was I had to go through in order to end up here, however we will NOT discuss that otherwise I'll be traumadumping. I'd give myself a little auto-therapy and say that I'd likely just subconciously clung to my older interests after convincing my brain that "teenage years = bad" due to all of that drama I had when I was 14; 2023 was a rough time for me in general.
News flash: teenager is scared of growing up, to the surprise of absolutely no one. The story has been told thousands of time by people like me, but I'm scared that my age is starting to look actually grown now. I mean, I can atleast calm myself down that I have atleast one year left of being like this before I'm dragged into adulthood. 17 is a scary age as it automatically snaps you out of that lovely childhood trance, it's bells ring as it screeches "YOU'RE GROWING UP. YOU'RE OLD!!" on repeat until it becomes one with the ambience. When I was 12 I saw 17 as this huge scary age and I still think 17 is a scary age except it's a lot more smaller now due to being chronologically closer to it.
Of course, this is all just my itty bitty teenage brain growing like a sprout that's nervous of change and the blaring sun above it. There's a certain tax to being a minor similar to being a girl, people usually blame it on the hormones (for the latter's case: the period cycle) whenever you express any upset feelings for anything. Whatever, I'm not upset about that, all I can currently think about is the 2027 horizon... which nests my 18th birthday. It's silly that I'm already thinking a year ahead when this year just started, but I personally think of this year as my 'calm before the storm' because I've never been an adult before, I don't know what will happen once I reach that line. Other than being able to interact with "minors dni" people I guess.
I think I found the problem. As you were reading my words, I was decompiling the NorrieBrainOS I was installed with during my entrance into the world: it's just horribly outdated, that's it. That's why I kind of just feel like I'm in this limbo of feeling like I'm still some 7-10 year old that wants to lay down on the floor and play with toys, I guess. If my brain OS was up-to-date then I'd be working, I'd have a more coherent plan about my future, I'd have a desire to go to college, and I'd also be doing whatever 17 year olds do; which watching the baby shows I watch is not one of them.
Unfortunately I can't update NorrieBrainOS otherwise the hardware (my whole physical body) will explode and I will die, and dying is not a good thing, you can go to jail for dying, you know. If by some miracle I end up having a lover, I hope they can excuse me playing dollhouse apps and watching 10+ year old YouTube videos on my phone during dinner.
Shoutout to My Playhome for entertaining me since I was 8, as of today I'm still being entertained by it, despite the minimal amount of locations, and I like the game's artstyle. I hate Toca life btw, way too damn fucking expensive, way too many locations, and the artstyle's fugly.